It all begins with a heartbreak (1)

It has been a while since I visit here.

I am here again, heart loaded with mixed feelings writing this post. I am going to write about my journey throughout this relationship, from my side. Perhaps you would write it in your journal, from your side.

Just to give a little picture of how I feel and how I am right now, currently I just got off work, showered, fresh and mentally drained from work.

I am rather emotional right now, and I decide to keep track of my thoughts through posts, which is why I choose to write this. They say keeping track of your emotions and thoughts would help, so I would very much like to try it out.

The story might miss out details, some parts might be wrong, bits and pieces will jumble up because I had problem with remembering stories + it will be easier to fit pieces together rather than saying it chronologically.  It will be a long post.

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Well, our story began back when he had a major problem with his ex-girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him with another guy from work, let's give them names so it's easier when I type.

His ex-girlfriend : G

The guy she cheated on him with: D

He came to me one random night to talk about his problem, and he was hella emotional. I freaked out a little because he did not talk to me much about relationship given that we did not know each other that long or that close enough to talk about it. I guess at that moment he had no one to tell and he felt that he could try to talk to someone and that person was me. I was having a hard time writing my thesis and when he came to talk to me, I thought hey, I can take a break!

So he told me, G cheated on him with D, and that had something to do with an agreement he and G had before. They were very open-minded, and agreed to experience open relationship while they are together, given that the other partner agreed. And G knew D from work, and three of them kinda worked out some shit about the open relationship agreement. I did not know lots of details on that, but what I understood was G and D could have sex given that my boyfriend agreed. However, D's girlfriend does not know about it. And as they were having sex in my boyfriend's room, which I found it extremely heartbreaking and ridiculous, he had second thoughts about the whole open relationship agreement.

At some point he told G that he was uncomfortable with it, and they should end it because it got a little out of hand for him. G agreed to ending it with D and he thought cool, it should be fine. However, little did he know, G cheated on him while he was out of town. Note that she was given a certain period of time to do whatever she wanted and ended it, but she declined and agreed to ending it right away. She cheated on him few times and he found out later. When she was questioned about it, she was honest. She told him the truth but hid some details, whereby the amount of times she cheated on him was not told until after the breakup.

Up to this point my brain was fried, because this ain't like any story that I had heard before. But because he was rather upset and angry, I kept my cool and stayed professional til he finished the story.

There were a few people he told this to, and some of his friends advised him to break up with her, because this matter was too much for him to tolerate, and it should not be tolerated. So he asked me, should he break up with her and I just told him that even if he wanted to break up with her, it should not be done over social media or texting. Since he was out of town, he should take a break and really give it a thought. reprocess the whole situation before he made any decision. I said I would stand with him no matter what decision he made. After days of conversing and discussing, he decided he could not take it anymore and he should break up with her because their relationship would not return to how it used to be. I asked him a few times whether he was sure of his decision, and he made up his mind and told her that he wanted a break up.

She totally lost it when he wanted a break up. She blamed him for not telling her how he felt, and part of him felt guilty and responsible for whatever that they were going through. I tried to talk to him about how it was not entirely his fault. It would not happen just because he agreed to it, it all happened because both parties agreed to do it. He had his fault of not communicating much about his feelings and being overly confident with their relationship, where I think it's not exactly a fault to trust the other party. Perhaps the boundaries of relationship were not communicated clearly. Well, not that important now because it was over. This break up was considered rather sudden for G and remember when I said she totally lost it? I was not exaggerating. She wanted to take her own life by swallowing pills and fortunately, she did not succeed in doing so. She was in denial. When my boy knew about her situation, he informed her mom about how unstable she was and he was not in the best position to look over her as they had already broken up. At this point, most people who are close with him knew about the break up but did not know much details about how it all happened. He did not tell the truth to his family except for his sister and mom. 

So he was questioned by other family members about the break up. Not gonna go into details about how he was grilled with questions, but one particular thing broke his line was, he was cheated on and he was the one to be blamed by the others. Despite his effort in protecting G's reputation by not going into the bat shit crazy "SHE FUCKING CHEATED ON ME WITH ANOTHER GUY, WHY THE FUCK I AM THE ONE TO BE BLAMED ON WHY DID I DESERVE THIS SHIT" mode, he was blamed for the break up. Her mother warned him that he should not play with fire when he told her that G was emotionally unstable and hoped that she would look after G. It was infuriating. I understood that and just reminded him how kind and gentle he was to be the bigger one, and if people whom he thought he was close with, thought of him the bad way, he should walk away from those people because they judged so quickly without knowing the whole situation. 

Oh, amidst all these episodes and dramas, we were dating. Yes, we were dating. It was hard for me to date a broken-hearted person. They say, the one who broke it could not be the one who mend it. As he continuously talked to me about his issues, I was guiding him, and I am still guiding him. Many people doubt our relationship foundation and sure enough, we both talked about it and we know it was not a replacement or just a tool to get through the break up. There is emotional attachment between us, besides all the shit storm that I was talking about, we also talked a lot about other stuff, normal stuff, daily stuff, personal stuff. We are similar in many ways, yet unique in our own ways. We see there is possibility of us getting into a relationship, so we went out dates for a few times. 

I know, I know it is going to be hard for me to go through all the shit storm together with him, to share his emotional burden and whatnot, that getting into a relationship with a person who just broke up was a shitty move, I chose to do it anyway. I was confident and courageous enough to take on the challenge of guiding him to healing. I know he won't feel the same, he won't be the same, and that he won't be whole. He was broken, and is still broken. But if I don't help him when he tried to seek for help, who would help? I set my mind and decided to stay strong so I could help him, be his support when he was helpless, Little did I know how unprepared I was for all that, and I would honestly say I was a little broken. 

I did not expect myself to fall in love, not at least these few years, but it came to me like a tsunami and I was stuck in it when I realised what I got myself into. I might sound like I regretted it, but no it was not what I meant. I never regretted my decision of getting into a relationship. I love him, and I respect him, but being his girlfriend means I care for him, and seeing him getting sad over it sort of breaks my heart, because I feel like I am not doing enough. This whole episode still haunts him until now, because it was so vivid that when he recalls how it all happened, it is like he could go back in time and that put him through pain all over again. It hurts to see him like that, but to road to becoming a better person than he was, I need to listen, to be with him, as much as it hurts me. I believe that is the reason why I cry so much lately. I have been holding it back unconsciously and the wave of sadness just came when I let my guard down. 

Our relationship begins with a heartbreak. I am still unsure whether how long it would take for him to get over the whole episode, but I have faith.