Where

I'd graduated for months, and I'm still unemployed. 

People had been asking me what do I plan to do next - though I know I'm going to do my master's, the gap between now and next intake gives me plenty of time to do some other stuff. 

I wasted so much time on nothing and it has taken a toll on me. 

Right now every choice that I make, I have to sacrifice something. And I constantly struggle to actually do it. 

If I were to apply for a job related to my field, I'll have to give up living a rent-free life.

If I were to apply for a job unrelated to my field, I'll have to give up my profession and work in a field that underpays me + does not really help with my resume.

If I were to sit around and do nothing for the rest of the months, I'll be living in constant fear and boredom because my boyfriend is improving and I'm not. 

And then there's one more consideration, the reason why I really wanted to earn money. 

I'm visiting my boyfriend next April, for the whole month. I can't possibly ask my parents for money for that sorta thing. 

There are actually a few intakes for my masters, and the nearest one is October. However, If I were to start on October, I won't be able to make it to visit my boyfriend for the whole month. I made him a promise that I'll visit him and I'd bought the tickets. 

Though he most probably would tell me that it's okay and I should not let our relationship be in the way of my studies, but I know he'd be disappointed since we are looking forwards to meeting each other in April. 

With all these considerations I struggle to make a conclusion. I don't exactly know what to do. I just had a pretty bad meltdown. I pray that it goes well. I pray that I don't have to feel so insecure about myself. I pray that the heart ache will go away.

I pray that I could know where I belong because right now I feel like I'm drifting on a piece of wood in the middle of an ocean.