Fear, anxiety and beyond.
Sometimes I doubt if I have dysfunctional anxiety and symptoms of depression.
It is ironic because I am of psychology background, and how I just let these happen to me. I have comprehensive knowledge on these psychological issues yet I seem to have 'em.
Well, why two posts in a day? I figured I had a lot to say so on a different topic, this is all about the fear that comes together with my anxiety and overthinking.
It's a package.
So you know how I said my first thought will lead to infinite thoughts that are toxic? His class is about to commence soon, and I have fears with regards to that. He has always been one of the people who struggles to get through stress. Now that I have better idea of how his profession will be (the media peeps), I know there will be tons of stress when his class commence. I do not have expectations about his results and grades, more of what he will learn throughout the course. Grades and results do not matter when one does not learn a thing from one's course.
And because of that, I am worried about how well he can handle stress now. I believe his working experience will help him because he needed to meet deadlines and whatnot. But at the same time it's not Malaysia, so definitely there will be a huge difference when it comes to the education system. I just hope he can cope well with them, remembering all the stuff that he had learned about coping with stress and life in general, other than the unhealthy habits of smoking or drinking or whatever it is.
I know I should be over the smoking issue, but I kinda regretted letting my friend sold him that vape. I mean, yeah he might just get one there even if he did not buy it from her, but it's like, there's this alternative there for him now, and he could easily get the vape juice anywhere conveniently. Yes it's his way out but also my fear. I could not do shit to help him and I gotta accept that it's better than him suppressing himself.
I have to learn. Some part of me still holding onto the hatred that I have for smoking and anything with nicotine. It's not easy to throw away who you are, a part of your identity. That sucks. It really sucks.
Sucks to change who you really are and accept something that you hate so much.
But if it's for the better, no matter how painful the process is, I have to continue this path that I chose. It fucking sucks. I am mindful of my right to say how fucking shitty this process is despite the desire to change. Part of me is raging right now and I guess this is the right place for me to say, FUCK YOU. FUCK SMOKING. FUCK ALL THESE BULLSHIT ABOUT SMOKING HELPS REDUCING STRESS. FUCK IT ALL.
WHAT ABOUT ME.
CAN I JUST CUT MYSELF AND SAY IT HELPS REDUCE STRESS SO DON'T STOP ME?
I did not mean to do that but you get how conflicted I was?
It is like when smokers say, yeah it helps me reduce stress and I don't see a problem in it, same here mate, hurting myself helps me reduce my stress and seeing blood flowing out of my body makes me feel that I'm living, I don't see a problem in it.
When you say that shit, you don't know how much it hurts me when I picture you smoke, just how you'd picture me hurting myself and that imagination hurts you too. Heart by heart, I empathise your situation and I decide to change myself, to challenge my values and thoughts. The process hurts, and because it is part of me, I am conflicted. I don't want to change because it's me, at the same time I love you too much to let you know how I felt that time. I just don't know how else I am going to let you know that hurts. And I thank you for tolerating my bullshit attitude, as well as my shitty value. I suck I know. Sometimes I'm just too much trouble to handle, so here I am, crapping to my blog. I should actually leave the negativity here instead. You helped me out of my breaking down moment, and thank you for being everly so patient with me.
But one thing for sure, I will not hurt myself physically just to prove my point, unless it's necessary - which I see there is not, because that's just dumb. It's the irrational side of myself that tries to fight back, she knows how your stubbornness works, and only with that, you will feel the pain.
Just so you know, this is not digging out the old issue and make it a big deal because this place is meant for me to write whatever it is on my mind, if I were to dig out my old issue I would have said to my boyfriend and make a scene out of it. But since this is a diary, my sacred temple, I can finally say how I felt that time. At least right now I'm not crying anymore, I'm not as angry anymore. But it still hurts, and that's more of what I have to deal with myself.
I love him too much to not change, so no matter how painful it is, I know I need to fight this battle, mostly alone, because it's just gonna hurt him if he is there to witness how I fight myself.
It is ironic because I am of psychology background, and how I just let these happen to me. I have comprehensive knowledge on these psychological issues yet I seem to have 'em.
Well, why two posts in a day? I figured I had a lot to say so on a different topic, this is all about the fear that comes together with my anxiety and overthinking.
It's a package.
So you know how I said my first thought will lead to infinite thoughts that are toxic? His class is about to commence soon, and I have fears with regards to that. He has always been one of the people who struggles to get through stress. Now that I have better idea of how his profession will be (the media peeps), I know there will be tons of stress when his class commence. I do not have expectations about his results and grades, more of what he will learn throughout the course. Grades and results do not matter when one does not learn a thing from one's course.
And because of that, I am worried about how well he can handle stress now. I believe his working experience will help him because he needed to meet deadlines and whatnot. But at the same time it's not Malaysia, so definitely there will be a huge difference when it comes to the education system. I just hope he can cope well with them, remembering all the stuff that he had learned about coping with stress and life in general, other than the unhealthy habits of smoking or drinking or whatever it is.
I know I should be over the smoking issue, but I kinda regretted letting my friend sold him that vape. I mean, yeah he might just get one there even if he did not buy it from her, but it's like, there's this alternative there for him now, and he could easily get the vape juice anywhere conveniently. Yes it's his way out but also my fear. I could not do shit to help him and I gotta accept that it's better than him suppressing himself.
I have to learn. Some part of me still holding onto the hatred that I have for smoking and anything with nicotine. It's not easy to throw away who you are, a part of your identity. That sucks. It really sucks.
Sucks to change who you really are and accept something that you hate so much.
But if it's for the better, no matter how painful the process is, I have to continue this path that I chose. It fucking sucks. I am mindful of my right to say how fucking shitty this process is despite the desire to change. Part of me is raging right now and I guess this is the right place for me to say, FUCK YOU. FUCK SMOKING. FUCK ALL THESE BULLSHIT ABOUT SMOKING HELPS REDUCING STRESS. FUCK IT ALL.
WHAT ABOUT ME.
I did not mean to do that but you get how conflicted I was?
It is like when smokers say, yeah it helps me reduce stress and I don't see a problem in it, same here mate, hurting myself helps me reduce my stress and seeing blood flowing out of my body makes me feel that I'm living, I don't see a problem in it.
When you say that shit, you don't know how much it hurts me when I picture you smoke, just how you'd picture me hurting myself and that imagination hurts you too. Heart by heart, I empathise your situation and I decide to change myself, to challenge my values and thoughts. The process hurts, and because it is part of me, I am conflicted. I don't want to change because it's me, at the same time I love you too much to let you know how I felt that time. I just don't know how else I am going to let you know that hurts. And I thank you for tolerating my bullshit attitude, as well as my shitty value. I suck I know. Sometimes I'm just too much trouble to handle, so here I am, crapping to my blog. I should actually leave the negativity here instead. You helped me out of my breaking down moment, and thank you for being everly so patient with me.
But one thing for sure, I will not hurt myself physically just to prove my point, unless it's necessary - which I see there is not, because that's just dumb. It's the irrational side of myself that tries to fight back, she knows how your stubbornness works, and only with that, you will feel the pain.
Just so you know, this is not digging out the old issue and make it a big deal because this place is meant for me to write whatever it is on my mind, if I were to dig out my old issue I would have said to my boyfriend and make a scene out of it. But since this is a diary, my sacred temple, I can finally say how I felt that time. At least right now I'm not crying anymore, I'm not as angry anymore. But it still hurts, and that's more of what I have to deal with myself.
I love him too much to not change, so no matter how painful it is, I know I need to fight this battle, mostly alone, because it's just gonna hurt him if he is there to witness how I fight myself.
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