Kite

It's time to let go some of my emotional burden. I was drunk one night and poured out all my sadness one shot while I was out with friends. All these while I have been talking to him, not realising that the one who broke you can never be the one who fixes you. He must have felt terrible knowing what he put me through. I never intend to blame him, I signed up for this because I love him. Funny thing is I have never felt so relief before, I don't usually get drunk and cried about things. It was my first time and frankly, it felt good. 

I let go of my ego when I decided to be with him at the price of extra anxiety in my life. I care for him, and that means what he is going through, I will go through that as well. I gave him my best, not realising what it means to give someone my very best. I paid the price - I was constantly in worry of him leaving me, of what might happen in the future. I broke a piece of me to mend him. And I wasn't whole anymore. I lost a lot but that's just normal in any relationship. You lost some you win some. 

That night, I remembered how happy and worry-free I used to be. 

Being in this relationship with him is like flying a kite. I was in deep worry, I was tensed and anxious the whole time. I spent a lot of time thinking about him, about us. I doubt myself for not doing enough. I did a lot for him secretly wishing he knows how much it meant to me. I expected something in return for my effort at the expense of my happiness. I thought if it all ends in vain, I shall not commit in a relationship anymore, because every time you love a person with a full heart, you gave a piece of yourself away. Someday, I might lose myself because I gave so much and all I got was pain and suffering.

With him having a new life in Australia right now eases my worry a lot, but what comes along is new challenge. When he was in Kuala Lumpur, he has bad sleeping habit, bad diet - in general it's just unhealthy lifestyle. I was stressed up and constantly experience sleep deprivation because I had to stayed up late waiting for him to come home, also I wanted to do this so I could talk to him. I miss him. I had to check his whereabouts so I knew he was safe. I had to spend so much time and attention on him that I lose track of my own life. His friends sometimes bother me because of their influences. A lot of unhealthy habits start from getting used to something, and why does someone get used to it? It's simple, when people around you do that, you will adopt that behaviour because it's easier to adopt their way of destressing yourself than thinking of one that really helps you instead of drowns you. 

After spending some time with them, I picked up those cues. 

No human could run away from peer pressure, and environment factors that lead to forming unhealthy habits. Surely if I spend enough time with friends that use smoking as a way of releasing stress, I will believe that it can help and change my perspective from not accepting it as a good way to whatever works because it's convenient. So now that he is there, he has to form new friendships and new lifestyle to adapt to the environment there, I do not know how long this will last but at least I do not have to worry about him so much so that I spend most of my time dealing with my anxiety. 

Faith and trust with a little of pixie dust. I shall let him decide for himself now. 

We gave up part of ourselves and ego to be together, to work through conflicts and hardships. I understand how much he did for me, he must also know the amount of sacrifices and commitments we made for each other so that this relationship could work. I do not know how he will be in the future after living in Australia but I know if it is for the best, I will gladly let him does what he loves. No matter how much I tell myself to let go in the past, I always failed to do that. Actively seeking ways to help myself sometimes won't work. Instead, one night I just got drunk and cried, telling my friends about those times, and woke up feeling relieved. I let go of my burden that night. 

I found my happiness.

Love shouldn't be all about worry and anxiety. I want to regain the part of me that he fell in love with. The happier and cheerful person that I was. 

Day2ofhappiness.